


no true scotsman

by macdonalds



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ... and horny, Abusive Bro/Dirk, Alcohol Abuse, Bulimia, Car Sex, Crying, Dave is tall and beautiful bless him, Dead brother, Developing Relationship, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Halloween, I hope, Implied Relationships, M/M, Memes, Non-Sburb, Pesterlogging, Self Harm, Sexting, Sexual Tension, Sexual innuendos, Stockholm Syndrome, but not when he's bulimic, dave has freckles, dave has fucked a lot of people, dave strider is openly bisexual, fuck the romanticization of eating disorders, gay slurs, of some sort, teenage angst, witty remarks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-29 06:27:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11435061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macdonalds/pseuds/macdonalds
Summary: In which Dave falls into a pit of despair, you guys dig a hole in a graveyard together, he kisses you (and most likely regrets it) and the world seems to spin again-- even though Dave killed his brother.Jokes on you.Sobbing ensues, along with drunken stupors, sexual innuendos, stupid rambling, and a sprinkle of unresolved sexual tension. Oh, and some drugs, fucking, and murder.





	1. misery

\-- adInfinitum [AI] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 3:22 (am) --

AI: can I say I'm sorry  
AI: I know it happened a week ago but seriously  
AI: dave????  
TG: just did  
AI: I mean  
AI: ok  
AI: I'm sorry  
AI: again  
AI: Dave?  
AI: dude  
AI: art thou there?  
TG: dont know  
TG: am i  
AI: so  
AI: how did it happen  
TG: during a strife  
TG: I killed the fucker  
TG: didnt mean to  
AI: oh my god  
AI: dave  
TG: what  
AI: you killed your brother?  
TG: didnt egbert already tell you  
AI: no, I wanted to hear everything from you  
TG: im touched  
TG: i really am  
TG: but i gotta get back to melting some valium  
TG: maybe inject it into my bloodstream later  
AI: sounds like fun  
AI: wait no that sounds danagGEROUS dotnd do htaht please  
AI: dave  
AI: DAVE  
AI: DAVe  
AI: dave  
TG: piss off for a sec  
TG: daddies busy  
AI: I swear to GOD  
AI: ill slap the everloving fuck out of you  
AI: the next time I see you  
TG: sounds kinky  
TG: tell me when  
TG: im free 24/7 from now on  
TG: home alone 3  
TG: except nobodies looking for me  
TG: ahahahahaha  
TG: id watch the shit out of home alone 3  
AI: didn't home alone 3 already come out  
AI: you fucking dipshit  
TG: nah  
TG: macaulay culkin only starred in two of the films  
AI: so?? why are you trying to erase the existence of the other home alone films because mr. big mac wasn't in the other films  
TG: because macaulay is a drug addict  
TG: and so am i  
AI: LMAO  
AI: ok sir "i am about 2 inject valium into my bloodstream via rusty needle for the first time"  
AI: god you are so edgy  
AI: I'm sorry your brother is dead and all  
AI: but drugs wont help??  
TG: youre wrong  
TG: theyve helped before  
AI: jokes aside  
AI: don't do drugs  
AI: I don't wanna come over and like  
AI: see you dead on the floor with needle wounds all over your dumb ass  
AI: mouth foam is a turnoff  
AI: besides  
AI: I feel like you're doing all of this druggy shit to compensate for the emotions you let accumulate after the death of your brother  
AI: maybe even the emotions before the death of him  
TG: ahahahaha  
TG: so you're my therapist now  
TG: i like that  
TG: can i pretend to be a pirate  
TG: who has laser beams built into the slit of his dick  
TG: arr arr motherfuckers  
TG: get ready for this dick's emission of electromagnetic radiation  
AI: no...??  
AI: that sounds gross and painful  
AI: srry buddy  
TG: damn  
TG: is there anyone else i can pretend to be  
AI: no you're fine the way you are  
AI: I guess  
TG: ok

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering adInfinitum [AD] at 4:09 (am) --

What a little fucker. (Well, to be fair; you _were a bit insensitive.)_  
But then again, Dave was probably getting high during the end points of your conversation, which; in your opinion, is disrespectful as shit. How dare a grieving boy shoot up some good ol' valium during the course of a conversation.

Dave had quite the nerve.

But, fuck you, you insensitive shit. He _killed_ his own brother during a strife. The good side: He finally beat his brother during a strife, eh?  
Oh, but there is a bad side. Yeah, he might've y'know, killed his own brother. He killed his own brother, his guardian, his bro, his _family._

\-- adInfinitum [AI] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 4:16 (am) --

AI: jesus christ  
AI: the reality JUST hit me dude  
AI: I'm so, so sorry about what happened to your brother  
TG: sherlock holmes has spoken yet again  
TG: and hes off to go fuck john watson now  
TG: damn these homosexual brits  
AI: hey fuck u  
AI: so hes really dead? like??  
AI: i just??  
AI: how  
TG: i already told you  
AI: yeah but you suck at strifes  
TG: apparently not  
TG: glad i'm not in jail  
TG: i'm 100% sure they don't have taco tuesdays in prison  
AI: claimed self defense huh  
TG: well  
TG: he beat my ass on a rooftop  
TG: so hes not really the victim here  
AI: jesus  
AI: so like  
AI: are you  
AI: """"""intoxicated""""""  
TG: gotta wait for that shit to kick in  
TG: so no  
TG: not yet  
AI: cool cool  
AI: whats it like?  
TG: its the most painful thing i have ever experienced in my life  
AI: i didn't know your pain tolerance sucked that much  
AI: fucking normie  
TG: not that  
TG: you tool  
AI: oh  
AI: ...  
AI: i'm sorry  
AI: do you need a hug?  
TG: not really  
TG: what i need is a blowjob and some chicken soup  
TG: and maybe an older brother  
TG: one who actually doesn't abuse me this time  
AI: why are you TALKING ABOUT IT NOW  
AI: things could have gotten better  
TG: i'm actually glad things turned out the way they did  
TG: now i'm home alone 3 and nobody is bothering me  
TG: except for you  
TG: atleast until the drugs kick in  
AI: wtf i wouldnt stop talking to you even if you are heading to highvile  
TG: you wouldnt  
TG: but i would  
AI: ouch  
AI: dont get me wrong; but sometimes i really don't feel like talking to you  
TG: cool story bro  
AI: fuck you  
TG: ok  
AI: not literally, you douchebag  
AI: you're just worrying me and i feel like eventually you're going to stop talking to me  
AI: and just the thought of that gives me anxiety  
AI: because you're my friend ok  
TG: cant tell if that just made my dick wet or my eyes wet  
TG: I'm probably entering highville  
TG: population then  
TG: 0  
TG: population now  
TG: 1  
TG: ill text you  
TG: maybe  
AI: damn right you will

\-- adInfinitum [AI] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 4:59 (am) --


	2. fuckboy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But no; Dave was totally not not promiscuous. (Flashback to last summer.)

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering adInfinitum  [AI] at 1:28 (am) --

TG: wanna know what its like to fuck someone when youre high   
TG: i bet you do  
TG: ?  
TG: y/n

Did you want to know? Dave being a man-whore was probably at the bottom of your 'things-I'm-curious-about' list. Sure, he would let some steam off and boast about it to you later, but why? Was it because you were the only one who listened, or because you were the only one up at night when he was? Ah, this boy. This stupid, annoying, prick of a boy. He was just a boy. A stupid one.

AI: not this time my guy  
AI: id rather not listen to a 4 minute long audio file of you imitating your foolish lover's moans  
AI: ew  
TG: oh shit sorry  
TG: i thought you got off on those  
AI: ur such a pig  
AI: anywho  
AI: rosie and I bought you an early Christmas present  
TG: its may  
TG: whatd you get me  
AI: its a surprise fuckface  
TG: if i open up that present and see its not a horse sized dong ill disown the both of you  
AI: excuse you  
AI: we are independent women  
AI: we don't need no man  
TG: sure   
AI: who did you fuck this time  
AI: john?  
TG: ding ding ding  
TG: you are correct  
AI: ew  
AI: I don't want to ask for the details  
AI: but I do at the same time  
AI: shoot me  
TG: ok  
TG: where do you want the load  
AI: HAHAUWUHSUSDSJD not that type of shooting??  
TG: yeah anyways  
TG: hes got this nice ding a ling right  
TG: but hes absolute shit at giving head  he's worse than karkat and I've never even received head from that asshat  
AI: go on  
TG: you really are a sick fuck  
TG: im ironically beginning to believe that me talking about my sexual encounters makes you wet or some shit  
TG: skype me so i can see you touching yourself  
AI: fuck off  
AI: is Egbert a top or a bottom  
TG: good question  
AI: I feel like both of you guys have this super twinky vibe thing going on  
AI: so maybe both of you guys are like  
AI: switches???? idk  
AI: but somehow john always bottoms out and gets it up the ass no matter how much he protests  
TG: oh my god  
TG: the accuracy is disturbing i must admit  
TG: but 10/10 you are on fire tonight  
TG: hows rose  
AI: shes great actually  
AI: so is kanaya :))  
AI: and rose :))  
AI: kanaya and rose are great :))  
TG: is that code for rose and kanaya are fucking in the room right next to me  
TG: blink twice if you need help  
AI: god you're such a dickweed  
AI: and yes theyre totally gaying it up in the room next to me  
AI: its so cute or whatever but theyre sO loud and one part of me says SHIP and the other part of me says RIP  
AI: you feel me  
TG: id like to  
TG: would you let me  
AI: consent is sexy  
AI: but sorry david  
AI: I would not  
TG: damn  
AI: shucka  
AI: ahucks  
AI: *shucks  
TG: are you fingering yourself or something  
TG: shit dude  
TG: this is escalating  
TG: im worried  
TG: dont let the lesbians hear you  
TG: i swear to god those two will never not want to engage in an orgy with a hot female specimen like yourself  
AI: SINCE WHEN IS A TYPO RELATED TO ME MASTURBATING  
AI: dave trust me  
AI: whenever I speak to you, along with any of my other friends,  
AI: I remain dry as a desert  
TG: then maybe i just gotta find your oasis  
AI: enough  
AI: ENOUGH  
AI: I REFUSE to participate in this foul-mouthed dialogue  
AI: go touch egberts ding-a-ling  
AI: leave me alone :(  
TG: sadly my oblivious boy toy isnt here  
AI: u just called john ur 'boy toy'  
AI: goodbye ive heard enoUHg  
TG: what  
TG: oh i see  
TG: youre jealous  
TG: strider stridin on you huh  
TG: bless your heart  
AI: nah not really  
AI: I think johns cuter than you tbh  
AI: like no offense  
TG: none taken  
TG: he is cuter than me  
TG: kawaii desu type shit  
AI: I'm cackling  
AI: and I really need some sleep  
TG: bailing already  
TG: darn  
TG: good night   
AI: good night dave  
TG: wanna hear a bedtime story first y/n  
TG: its super good i pinky promise  
TG: its even better than that one time terezi made us listen to her stupid summer camp story that included a hobo with dainty feet who would snort shitty over processed cheese powder in front of her cabin at 4 am  
AI: I remember that omg  
AI: tell me my guy I'm bursting with inquisitivity   
TG: its a .png file is it cool if i send it  
AI: yeah go go go

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has sent a file to adInfinitum  [AI] \--

AI: wait a second  
AI: this is a fuckINg picture of  
AI: OH MY GOD  
AI: fuck you  
AI: HAJJJDNownwJSJSo  
AI: no  
AI: where the fuck did you find that  
AI: fuck you I'm too scared to sleep now  
TG: sweet dreams 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering adInfinitum  [AI] at 1:59 (am) --

Sweet mother of fuck, now you cannot get that image out of your head. As for your previous claims of needing sleep; you decide that sleep is for the weak, and to pull yet another all-nighter. 

Not a very good idea since you've spent hours of frolicking around with Rose downtown (going outside wasn't something you were used to,) and on top of that, you've accommodated Rose and her lover in your not-so-shitty apartment complex. Being around people can be tedious at times, but you really enjoy their company and Kanaya is fucking great at cooking. And fucking. But hey, they stopped fucking, or so it sounds, and maybe you can sleep actually. Aaaaand there goes that image, the darkness surrounds you and blah blah eerie horror movie cliché shit blah blah blah. 

Fuck the monsters underneath your bed--perhaps literally. You fall asleep after an hour of declaring yourself as 'not a loser who sleeps.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a flashback to late may, last year


	3. hindsight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here you are, back to the present time setting thingy.

Dave and his brother got along famously; from the day Dave was born, the day Dave got braces and was deemed inferior -- look wise, compared to his brother, the day his brother first laid a hand on him (his heavy hands were sweating,) the day Dave smoked, purged, binged, fucked, and drank the pain away, to the day Dave looked him in his brother's blurry eyes and said " _I'm sorry._ "

Now, I know what you're thinking. I really do.

And just so you know, his life actually isn't getting any easier, not even if _you're_ around. This is not about you, remember?

His unhealthy habits say hello; they wish him a warm stay. His habits are filled with avarice, with malice, with every negative connotation that ends with -ice, -ice, -ice. Brother dearest, your heart was like ice. (such a potent ice it was; not even the heat could melt it!)

And, the said boy awakens to a new day, but they're always going to remain the same from now on, he thinks to himself.

He is sweating but he refuses to open a window; so he doesn't complain. He sits upright and shifts around in his bed for a bit; thinking about what he could possibly do today to _numb_ the pain once again. "Dave dearest, you are running too far away from your problems!" To the oh-so mocking sisterly voice, he mumbles a "fuck off" and slams his head back down onto his pillow. His room smells like soggy nachos, cum, and cardboard. Perhaps vomit, too? 

He's ill, but it's likely self induced and the relapse he is going through traps him under it's claws. Shame, guilt, everything-- _anything_. He felt too much, and at the same time; _too little._

He attempts to sleep once again, but his eyes drift to the far corner of his room where a digital clock stands. 2:00 PM it practically taunts him, urging him to get the fuck up and get a fucking life, you piece of shit.

He had a life; but now he has drugs (among other things that 'dull the blade.' One of those things _is_ a blade.)

He groans and bites his lip, tugging his bedsheets off of his body only to roll onto the floor. The cold, hard floor. (Hey, there's a box of pizza under here!)

It's been a significantly long amount of time since Dave left his room. Ever since shit hit the fan, Dave has stayed in his room. So, about 10 days or so. He has a "mini fuckin' fridge"  
in his room, and he surely put it to good use.

And cue the ringing of his cracked phone that he swore he'd replace. He quickly gets up and struggles to find the ringing son of a bitch (it was somehow in one of his socks?)

"Yo, D-Stridemeister at your service." The worst way to pick up a phone. Ever.

The other person on the line almost hangs up after hearing that, but they take a deep breath and start speaking.

"Dude, dude, dude, are you okay?" John's voice penetrates Dave's left ear and Dave replies with a half assed, satirical "I'm fine honey," and the two buffoons continue to talk about recent events but Dave makes Egbert forget all about it with his earnest words and eloquent tone. Damn, he is charming and knew how to avoid a painful conversation. Dave wants to invite John over, and probably not for sex, but y'know, some under-bed pizza and a few hits from a bong. But he doesn't, he doesn't want to leave his room to open the door for him if John agreed to his proposal, he doesn't want to be around his brother's room, he doesn't want to look at the pictures on the wall collecting dust. He doesn't need to see that, okay?

John declares he must end the phone call because he supposedly has an upcoming debate round, state finals, Dave believes, and easily puts down the phone after Dave confirms he is okay once more.

It was too easy, just too, too easy. 

He is alone in his head again, he can do whatever he pleases and lie to his friends when they ask him if he is okay. 

Something similar to this happened when Dave had first started walking the long, agonizing road of neglect. Behind him was his brother -- who loved him -- tugging on the leash around Dave's neck. Sometimes that leash turned into a _whip_ ; other times it turned into a _warm hand_ ; a soft, soothing _voice._

He shakes multiple thoughts out of his head and onto the floor, perhaps wanting to sweep them underneath the bed for them to accompany (probably) rotten pizza, socks, old vinyls and some dirty shoes. _Hello Dave's first bong, nice to meet you, i'm Dave's memories. We've met somewhere before; I ran into you and I got lost for a while before you left._

He fiddles with his phone (or what's left of it) a bit before opening pesterchum and scrolling through his recent messages. Looks like nobody has messaged him in the past 5 hours.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering adInfinitum [AI] at 3:05 (pm) --

TG: hey  
AI: hi so since halloweenie is comin up  
AI: WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING together buddy  
AI: okokokok so theres going to be this fuckng G great party at jade's mansion and we should go okahdhhafyubhh  
AI: I can dress up as shrek or something please  
TG: shrek huh  
TG: can i be fiona  
TG: maybe i can dress up as lord farquaad and screw far far away land up all over again but the thing is i'm too tall so maybe ill amputate my legs and purchase a horse and have it fuck me first because damn i want my insides to become one with my outsides you feel me  
AI: is that a yes??  
TG: its a maybe   
AI: please I want to drink some punch and play spin the bottle only to choke on someone's fake vampire teeth with tears in my eyes  
TG: who the fuck drinks punch at a halloween party  
TG: whatever  
AI: jade told me that 20 people are going to go to her party and I really hope karkat plans on going and dresses up as something stupid so we can make fun of him  
TG: we're going to make fun of him regardless  
TG: he can dress up as allah or mohammed the savior for all we care  
AI: hes still a dork either way tbh ur right   
TG: ill probably leave that gay ass party immediately if i see egtwerp and vriska sucking face  
TG: don't get me wrong i can handle pda but vriska and john are like   
TG: yin and yang  
TG: wait that's not a good analogy nevermind  
AI: theyre cute together I think  
AI: maybe  
AI: but johns happy and so is vriska  
AI: so stop being so bitter!!!! LET THEM love eachother  
TG: what is love  
TG: baby don't hurt me  
TG: don't hurt me  
AI: okay you need to stop  
AI: can we seriously talk about what we're going to wear  
TG: fine ill be ghostface  
AI: ILL BE GHOSTFACE'S ACCOMPLICE  
TG: actually i wanna do something involving kill bill tbh  
TG: i can be pai mei  
TG: and that's about it  
TG: i don't think there is any way in hell i can pull off any other character  
TG: scratch that i'm just going to wear a fucking cape and a pair of ball squishing red jeans  
TG: my alter ego, if you would  
TG: d-stridemeister  
AI: okay fuck you I'm just going to dress up as shrek  
AI: make sure your shirt has the words "I'm a fucking pussy ass loser who couldn't come up with anything better to wear as a costume for this shitshow Halloween party"   
TG: i'm not going to wear a shirt you moron  
AI: ew  
AI: public nudity is illegal  
TG: are you gonna tell on me   
AI: yeah don't push me   
AI: ill bring the popo I swear to god  
AI: whatever ill just make fun of your stupid ass   
TG: ok look at me you stupid cuck ill shove my foot so far up your ass you'll travel back in time to when you were a starry eyed child wanting to earn a degree in ultimate faggotry without any pertinent knowledge as to what it actually is  
AI: stop bringing that up I was a child dave  
AI: I feel like you're rankling me because you actually want to be handcuffed and dragged off somewhere by a police officer you kinky fuck  
TG: nah fuck the police  
TG: I refuse to attend a party where my religion goes untolerated you absolute shitlord  
TG: oh my god i'm actually getting hot and bothered by this conversation  
AI: '''''''religion''''''  
TG: yeah didn't you know   
TG: i have my own religion now  
TG: this ironically pious farm isn't big enough for the both of us y/n i'm going to have to push you off of this totally adequate piece of furniture into the cold icy water and watch as your eyebrows turn into something that looks similar to the crusty semen in one of my socks  
AI: was that some type of movie reference or  
AI: titanic crossover with??? your idiotic imagination I believe  
TG: call it idiotic while you can ill be the last one laughing when i pry your cold dead hands off of mine and watch as you plummet into the dark oceanic abyss  
AI: ok cool   
AI: hey listen I'm actually really glad you don't sound  
AI: depressed  
AI: this sounds totally out of place but yeah  
AI: skype me so we can discuss our Halloween costumes further dave chan:)))  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering adInfinitum [AI] at 3:25 (pm) --

Dave decides to skype you. _His camera is off and his voice is fragile._


	4. for the pity?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the pity.

Already 60 minutes into the off-topic, cringe-worthy conversation, Dave leaves you (or the virtual you,) to go take a (intentionally loud) piss. 

"Have you no manners?" You shout into your microphone, hoping he hears it and feels genuine shame. He doesn't, trust me.

After a minute (or two) he coughs and hops on his bed, his computer in which he opened solely for the purpose of skyping you was an annoyingly bright crimson color, obviously.

Your camera is on in your dimly lit room and he can see you; to your dismay; he has commented on your appearance say, 50 times. He definitely didn't fail to notice your clothes, (or perhaps lack thereof, shh) or the stupid faces you made when he would say something mildly disgusting. You had previously tried coaxing him into turning his camera on, but to no avail. He apparently looked like "the lobotomized love-child of Steve Buscemi and Danny DeVito." 

You really didn't give a shit, it just irritated you to have an unreciprocated cam-call on skype. 

He speaks after typing up what sounds like the whole Han dynasty, and you proceed to angle your phone towards an excruciatingly unflattering position.

"So I was thinking--" he stops speaking, and even though you can't see his face, you can sure as fuck feel his perplexed stare. 

"What the fuck?" You laugh wholeheartedly at his confusion, earning a sigh and another cough.

"Sorry, you were taking a really long time to speak and I got bor--" 

"Oh, so you decided it was the perfect time to lose a chromosome?" 

"Actually, I--"

"It was a rhetorical question." He groans, making you laugh. He laughs too after a while.

Without really getting anywhere (besides agreeing to dress up as whatever the fuck you had declared an hour ago,) you end the skype call and text him instead. He was too distracting-- or you were too distracting.

\-- adInfinitum [AI] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 4:26 (pm) --  


AI: uhhhhh can I get a uhhhhh  
AI: boneless  
AI: uhhhh  
TG: i have the finest boneless char grilled goodness of the century ladies and gentlemen it makes a great appetizer entrée dessert and even lube   
TG: its the kind of shit youd use to sordidly slap on your church whore wife barbara's tits in preparation for the biggest 21st century inauguration of titfuckery  
TG: boneless your neighbor  
TG: boneless your children  
TG: boneless the entire army of the fucking russian federation for all i care call now and get an extra boneless free of charge that transforms into a sentient being who rides the dick of your husband raw  
AI: that sounds like it could give someone an std dave   
AI: I don't want a boneless anymore  
TG: its not just a boneless its also a relentless super saiyan fucking machine tbh  
TG: anyways  
AI: are you ok  
AI: dude  
TG: yea  
TG: ok so youre going to be an overtly bland shrek and i'm going to be the ironically hot blond guy wearing tight jeans and a cape to a halloween party   
TG: you can be my sidekick or some shit  
TG: oh no mr. harley don't mind her shes the retarded cousin of a friend of mine whom i express extreme fondness of to the point where i have decided to take her off of his hands and allow her to partake in one on my many social endeavors  
TG: you are truly blessed to have such a selfless friend like me  
TG: its gonna be like a charity event up in this bitch  
AI: you lost me at bland shrek  
AI: how fucking dare you  
AI: I, the head of the national shrek honors society am hereby relegating you to the position of 'possibly Hispanic orange pussy'  
TG: i don't care  
TG: i'm too cool for your stupid honors society anyways  
AI: CUE THE MELODRAMATIC HAIR FLIP  
TG: shut up  
AI: make me  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has sent a file to adInfinitum  [AI] \--

  


AI: what is that  
AI: whose is that  
AI: I fucking hate you  
AI: I cant delete it WHAT THE FUC  
TG: my little winky dinky says hi  
AI: yeah I get the little part  
AI: bAHAHAHAH   
AI: ew its gross  
TG: excuse me my dick is gorgeous  
TG: on november 10th my dick was offered a spot on the runway of the 2015 victorias secret show in new york but it kindly declined the offer and sent the copious amounts of gift baskets signed with kissy faces back to whatever scantily clad lady warehouse they came from and continued to live its life unpretentiously and modestly  
TG: how dare you disrespect my man meat  
TG: my baloney pony   
TG: my jerkhammer   
AI: stop with the metaphors  
TG: my own metaphorical eiffel tower  
TG: cant handle the metaphors huh too bad its about to become metaphor city up in this bitch  
AI: before you start   
AI: I would sincerely like to ask why the fuck you sent me a photo of your dick  
TG: why not  
TG: i see no problem with shamelessly showing a photograph of my weiner to a lady friend of mine who probably spends all her time watching cringe compilations and shrek just for the irony  
TG: you disgust me  
AI: are you shrek shaming me  
AI: BITCH  
AI: I swear to god  
AI: don't act like you haven't binge watched shrek with me everyday of the week for 3 weeks straight before you fucking hypocritical motherFUCKER I hope you get cancer in your rectum  
AI: you ungrateful son of a bitch  
TG: are you just going to continue to insult me or are you going to get on with touching yourself to my sensual and suggestive photo  
TG: i wouldn't be surprised in fact i encourage it  
TG: ill be waiting right here when you decide to come back i promise  
AI: CAN YOU STOP ALREADY JESUS  
AI: can you please stop  
TG: no  
AI: do you want me to call you daddy or some shit in order for my words to get through your thick skull  
TG: maybe  
AI: ...

You are almost certain that Dave is getting off on this, and to be honest, you see absolutely no reason for you to _not_ play along.

AI: okay  
AI: daddy  
AI: there  
AI: I'm done  
TG: no youre not  
TG: youre not done until i say you are  
TG: got it?  
AI: uhh sure I guess  
AI: wait a minute are you serious  
TG: what the fuck do you think  
AI: jesus this isn't 6th grade I don't have a crush on you anymore this is so stupid   
AI: I shall nOT engage in any type of sexual activity with you  
AI: ever  
TG: are you sure

 _Were_ you sure? Yeah, you don't have a crush on Dave anymore, but hey, hormones! What fault does one have for placing their sexual trust on their friend? Absolutely none! Even if it is Dave, which is kinda okay since he isn't some random cretin. But see, the thing is; why the fuck does Dave think this is a good idea? He has isolated himself quite a bit, even though he doesn't show it. Rose believes his mental health is going to shit completely, and her psychoanalyses never turn out false. Ever. But how dare he let out the frustration of his brother's death by wanting to cyber-sex you up! How disgusting and pathetic. But then again, allow me to pull the dead brother card here; he must be going through a lot. A lot of a lot, right? This is better than him seeking drugs to help him, at least! Maybe if you get him to do this often, he'll somehow not fuck his life up with drugs and alcohol? For all you know, he's perpetually lonely and probably in his room eating stale doritos all day. Maybe this will help him? Now let me retract the dead brother card and say: What the FUCK? This is so stupid. You shouldn't even be thinking about relieving his pent up sexual frustration like this. What kind of friend are you? (one who is trying to help)

AI: no   
AI: if this is going to make you feel better  
AI: then lets get it on my dude  
TG: sweet  
AI: is it gonna be some stupid roleplaying shit or are we actually going to do something worthwhile  
TG: well i had no idea you were actually going to agree to this debasing venture  
TG: but now that you're here and you are obviously willing to get me off  
TG: skype me  
AI: OK WHERE DOING THIS MAN  
TG: where making this happen

 

Your phone buzzes and you answer immediately, his camera is on but all you can see is his lower abdomen and oh-- actually no, his dick. That is his dick. It's not even flaccid. Okay.  
You turn your camera on hesitantly; you probably will mourn the death of your dignity tomorrow. You barely show your face, too shy and mousy to show more than half of it.

 

TG: what are you waiting for  
TG: do something  
AI: like what idiot  
TG: at this rate id rather jerk off to bob saget no offense  
AI: fuck you  
AI: fine

You place your phone somewhere where it is stable, but it remains relatively close to you, (convenient for messaging him back quickly,) and move infront of the camera sheepishly. If you knew you were going to have cam-sex with one of your friends, you would have given yourself a pep talk in the mirror earlier. 

You grab the hem of your shirt, and at a tantalizingly slow pace you take your oversized shirt off. _Whoosh_. It is on the floor. You forget you weren't wearing a bra but you soon allow yourself to feel better after logically thinking this whole situation through. Everything would still lead up to you being bare-chested and standing infront of your phone, looking at Dave's erection. 

AI: now what

He takes a while to think, then he proceeds to type in what the fuck he wants from you, and this process is very, very intimidating. 

TG: touch them

You oblige.  
You touch your nipples gently, expecting the cold edges of your fingers to make you shudder. You do. He probably notices. 

 

TG: damn this is some good content  
TG: just kidding i didn't jerk off during our long ass conversation just for it to lead up to this softcore shit  
TG: do something slutty  
AI: sorry but how  
TG: i don't know shit maybe get closer to the damn camera and make yourself feel good for me  
AI: I mean  
AI: youre intimidating ok  
AI: itd help if you actually showed some type of pleasure as well  
TG: how is me sitting infront of my computer with a boner not a sign of me enjoying this  
TG: are you fucking dense  
AI: okay fine what do you want me to do   
AI: be specific  
AI: smh  
TG: yourself  
TG: sometime this week maybe my dick wont stay awake forever its almost naptime for the lil guy who are you to deny him some well deserved rest y/n  
AI: this is stupid but fine  
AI: whatever you want

He seems to like having whatever he wants.

You take your underwear off and he emits a barely audible sigh. You get even closer to the camera and turn around, awkwardly caressing your butt in an attempt to be seductive. Somehow, it works. You swear you can hear him jerking it -- ever so slowly -- and you feel victorious. Dave Strider is indeed an ass-man.  
Still, him jerking off to your ass is very underwhelming and you are beginning to feel like you have some sort of advantage.

AI: what would you do if you were here davie :)  
TG: id  
TG: let you sit on my face  
AI: oh?  
AI: make it a bit more interesting  
TG: id spread your legs apart and grab you byteh hips  
TG: first id give you a good lick   
TG: maybe finger you a bit to test how it feels up in there yknow  
TG: then id   
AI: youd  
AI: ???

His hand speeds up. 

TG: fuck  
AI: youd fuck me?

_Faster._

TG: id make you fucking beg for it  
TG: id make you beg for my cock  
AI: okay  
AI: dave can you please fuck me?  
TG: wahts the magic eord  
AI: daddy?  
AI: can you please please please fuck me until I cum daddy?  
TG: sshit

And _faster._  
You're beginning to feel heat in your loins. 

TG: fuck yeah i can  
TG: get your ass ove r here  
TG: slut  
AI: mhmm  
AI: can I touch myself for you?  
TG: don't give me any half assed shit   
TG: decent cinematography is crucial  
TG: now fucck yourslf  
AI: you got it dude

You climb on to the bed and the next thing you know, you're spread out infront of your phone and pumping two-- _three_ fingers into your pussy. _Faster._

 

TG: fuuuuuuck  
TG: does it feel goodcf  
AI: itd feel bette r if you were here doing it for me  
TG: id do it so much btter  
TG: id put your legs on my shldoers and make you scrm   
TG: thn di let you rid me into fuckinfg space   
TG: id just bounce you aroun d in my la p fuc itd feel so good  
AI: holy f kj dave  
TG: are you close   
TG: don't yo ud dare stop   
TG: not until i tell yuo to  
AI: dave ok not to sound wird wor whtaver but I'm soaking wet  
TG: xqetxefrefkchfjjrfh   
TG: jesus fuck thats hot

At this point, all you can think of is his cock filling you up to the brim, letting him fuck you ruthlessly. The room is filled with grunts and moans from the both of you, his hand never falling from his flushed dick. You rub your clit and curse, you can't see his face but you know _he's watching._ He's watching you do this to yourself, he's watching you pump your fingers in and out of your pussy just for him. His jaw goes slack and his eyes are closed, he's vulnerable somehow-- infront of you. His slim fingers never falter. Every moan you emit, he imitates. Not out of the irony, but out of pure _arousal,_ no matter what kind of silly excuse he decides to make up later.

 

TG: good heavens youd make an old man with an erecgtile dysfuncton cum withthos e moans   
TG: slow doenw   
TG: gotta blast  
AI: nno time for a jimmy neutron quote wtfe  
TG: sorry that's my natural response to erotica  
AI: shut up and just fuck me  
AI: metaphoricallydfy ofcour s  
TG: oh rfuck   
TG: fkc fucj fuck  
TG: god damnb id fuck you into the mattress and fjfd tsaste yoyu and cum all over yrou pretty fac e 

His hands are moving so quickly, and your burning desire to just moan his name is so overwhelming and _ohmygod,_ you imagine him curling his fingers inside of you and asking if its good for his little slut and--

AI: or maybe my tits   
AI: or maybe insi d  
TG: maybe i cn finsish in your mouth  
AI: sure   
AI: id lap all of it upf for yiu  
TG: dowen on your knees for me  
TG: mmgmhgfufdkai  
TG: ther es no wahy in hell you eouldnt be imprefggnated by the loa d i'm aout to bust  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering adInfinitum [AI] at 6:00 (pm) --

 

Moments later he erratically jerks a single time before ejaculating with noticeable stutters of his body. He almost shouts, but instead he makes a choking sound and oh _fuck_ you climax right after him, breathing heavily on your bed before taking your eyes off of your phone, suddenly gaining an interest in the lamp hanging from the ceiling. He wearily asks if you've finished and you give him a thumbs up. Silence follows. 

He coughs to let you know that whatever this was is over, this train is now going choo choo and therefore I'm leaving on it ok bye-- and he utters a goodbye before ending the Skype call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, please leave me a comment letting me know how this is thanks, ill really appreciate it


	5. its been a while

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been approximately 4 days since the last time you spoke.

You want to text this idiot.  
But then again, he's probably too busy smoking weed, eating flamin' hot Cheetos, or fucking bitches. Hell, you even begin to think Dave has moved on from all of his friendships altogether, carrying out a long and lovely life with a cliché, profoundly romantic lover. Maybe he moved to Canada, maybe even Russia since he is unironically Russian (that would explain the many nights of Russian screamo-rap making in his stupid little room in his brother's stupid little apartment.) You do not know. All you do know was that Dave Strider fucked you virtually and hasn't bothered to speak to you ever since. You miss the little shit; he's one of your best friends and he made you cum on camera goddammit.

Everyone-- From Vriska to always seemingly M.I.A Gamzee-- is worried about him. The last person he spoke to was Jade; she called you crying, saying he gave her a heartfelt apology for being a fucked up ex-boyfriend, and how he still loved her like he used to when they were best friends who didn't see each other in a romantic light. She had told you he sounded miserable, but her tears of joy juxtaposed the whole situation. It takes a few months or so before Dave swallows his pride and admits to being an asshat. 

And to add on to the problem of Dave's disappearance, if Dave doesn't text you within the next week, you will not have a partner to go to Jade's Halloween party with. Plans ruined, you say? Yeah, because Dave just _has_ to pepper some obscurity into everyone's life.  
You text him for what seems to be the 50th time.

\-- adInfinitum [AI] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 9:02 (pm) --  
AI: hey bitch boy  
AI: did I make you cum too hard  
AI: is that why you're not talking to me  
AI: I'm sorry dude

No reply. Phone remains silent. 

TG: no i was sleeping you retard  
TG: don't bring that accident up again  
AI: accident? wow okay  
AI: anywho  
AI: how are you doin buddy  
TG: i'm more stoned than the unfortunate female adulterers in saudi arabia  
AI: is that the reason why you haven't been texting me  
AI: what the fuck  
TG: i just decided to do my own thing for a while  
TG: didn't really know you gave a shit  
AI: what the fuck does that mean?  
AI: look dave  
AI: I'm not here to spew out bs  
AI: I actually give a shit because youre my friend and also my partner for the Halloween party  
TG: youre kidding me right  
TG: ive been gone for 84 years and youre worried about some stupid party for weenies i don't even want to go to  
AI: no fuckface I'm worried about YOU  
AI: FUCKING HELL YOU ARE DENSE  
TG: ok  
AI: yeah but seriously what the fuck have you been doing  
TG: are you sure i'm the dense one here because i think i already told you what ive been doing  
AI: yeah but your answer was too short therefore you invalidated your own answer  
TG: why do you want to know so badly y/n  
AI: Idk I thought you were dead or something  
TG: youre half right  
TG: anyways  
TG: bye  
AI: this is not the time to be emo david  
AI: david get your ass back herE  
AI: DAVE  
TG: can you get off my dick already  
AI: I'm not on your dick dave  
TG: you were a few days ago  
AI: no I wasnt  
TG: yes you were  
AI: no I wasnt  
TG: yes you were  
AI: NO  
TG: yes  
TG: you were slobbing all over my pixelated knob like there was no tomorrow and we both know it  
TG: i cant blame you though  
TG: i'm delicious  
TG: the finest piece of ass you'll ever have the opportunity of laying your eyes on  
AI: not really but ok  
AI: I'm glad you replied tbh  
AI: you seem like youre ok and that's reassuring  
AI: jade told me you apologized for being a douchenugget  
TG: shut up  
AI: thinking about getting back together?  
TG: nah   
AI: why not  
TG: shes not really my type anymore  
AI: well whats your type then asshole  
AI: don't tell me you like elderly women  
TG: maybe  
AI: BE SERIOUS wtf  
TG: fine  
TG: i like girls who let me fap to their ladyparts via skype  
TG: but only after we do it for a second time  
TG: the first time is just an assessment to see if they can get me off  
AI: seems like I'm not your type then haha  
TG: damn  
TG: what a shame  
TG: you and i would actually be a cute couple  
TG: id hold your hand and shit  
TG: we could be the hotter and less dead version of bonnie and clyde  
AI: no thanks id rather swallow 20 plastic bags  
TG: hi tlc my strange addiction is swallowing 20 plastic bags instead of sexing up a horny and sad boy who also happens to be one of my best friends  
AI: that actually sounds like something Terezi would watch  
TG: terezi would even watch fat dyke decapitation porn tbh  
AI: FUCK DHSHDEYHFE  
AI: HDYUEGFUWEYUDSH  
TG: yeah thats what i said  
TG: can i leave now  
AI: no  
AI: call me daddy first

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering adInfinitum [AI] at 10:10 (pm) --

God _fucking_ dammit. 


	6. theyre only words and words cant kill me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lets talk about something else.

Dave remembers.  
He remembers being a gauche, pale and pimply 14 year old.  
He remembers the look his brother shared with him, the quiet mutters of "sorry, i didnt mean it" after his hungover body was using his doorframe as a crutch and "did you switch shampoos?" when he once monitored his alcohol intake level by sniffing his little brothers breath that smelled like nothing, Dirk was suspicious and didn't like sharing the title "abusive and alcoholic brother' with anyone else. Dave came home to a brother who was piss drunk, trying to smell him up despite the wretched scent of Smirnoff filling the air around him, it was on him, it was him, and other alcoholic drinks poured into glass bottles by machines, increasing the susceptibility of injecting their venom into the sad, angry, and needy souls who do not fret toxins. There was no anti-venom for the alcoholic drinks Dave could _barely_ pronounce. Dave knew better not to drink on the weekdays at that age. 

He'd go outside regularly, smoke a few cigarettes (once upon a time, Dave was a lightweight) and get bruises and scratches and even broken bones from attempting to do a magnitude of ostentaciously different flips and spins and 180s and 360s and whatever he could possibly imagine doing at a skatepark. He taught John how to ride a skateboard. 

He remembers the first crush he developed on John, when they were sharing a bag of stale doritos in John's basement, playing atleast 8 rounds of fast paced Dungeons and Dragons and 2 rounds of chess (1 loss for John, 1 loss for Dave.) John was his bestfriend, his wingman, his _panacea._ John taught Dave how to play chess.

Dave was infatuated with him, he yearned for a dalliance with his best friend. He got what he wanted, but he fucked it up when he fell for his other best friend.

She had emerald eyes and long hair. His adulation for her grew stronger and stronger, no matter how many times John jerked him off in a public bathroom or in the backseat of his dad's car. He still wanted her.

Once again, he got what he wanted. Dave constantly shared, and shared, and shared until there was nothing left to share.

So he took, from himself and others.

It is a simple yet painful process that Dave has been fighting to overcome for a prolonged amount of time.

The sex, the drugs, the alcohol, the blades, the knives, the _pain_.

You of course, are blind to the things Dave has done behind closed doors, minus the sex. Nobody _truly_ understands Dave. 

You're not even sure if Dave understands himself. 

But no matter, everyone has problems. Everyone deals with them differently.

Dave still sleeps with a night-light. He still checks for monsters underneath his bed.  
His night-light would be the bathroom light-- the one he falls asleep under after a long night of achieving a high, so high he thinks he's on the brink of death.  
Sweat ridden scalp, face, no shirt, no pants. Bathtub slumber, bitter dreams and re-occuring nights. He almost died twice.  
Why didn't he?  
There, in that very bathtub, with the deafening silence encompassing him.  
A few pokes to the arm, he still picks at his skin.  
The monsters under his bed?  
A multitude of boxes, small and short, filled with old puzzles, boardgames, a keyboard, his stash of drugs and empty bottles of alcohol he still can't pronounce and boxes of Chinese takeout and his needles and bongs and candy rappers-- they were monsters. He didn't have the heart to clean it all up. And you know what is interesting? Among those monsters, he could see _if_ , 

and only if, he was high enough, _himself._  
He didn't have the heart.  
He couldn't clean it all.


	7. voicemail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, this is Dave's fat stinky cock speaking. Leave a message."

"Hey, this is Dave's fat stinky cock speaking. Leave a message." You smile again, after the third time of listening to Dave's pre-recorded, monotone voicemail greeting. You've left a message for him three times. So has John, Rose, Jade, Karkat, Kenaya, Terezi, and even Vriska.  
Dave was like a child- constantly receiving attention and love, and unlike a child- because he never wanted, nor did he need the attention or the love.  


\-- adInfinitum [AI] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 5:01 (pm) --

  
AI: hey so  
AI: i dont think dave wants to come to the party with me  
AI: or uhh  
AI: at all  
AI: but i still want to come GG: ughhhh  
GG: i want you to come too!  
GG: and i think we should go check on dave  
AI: yeah i mean, what if hes dead or some shit lol  
GG: dont say that!!!!!!!  
AI: OK OK OK i wont  
AI: do you mind picking me up from my house? i dont feel like driving  
GG: sure!!! i filled my baby up with gas recently and oh boy am i excited to scoot around!!!!!!  
AI: FUCK im excited too  
AI: I HAVENT SEEN LEOPOLD KINGSLEY THE SECOND IN FOREVER  
GG: i know!!! im sure he cant wait to have your ass on his face!!!  
AI: would it really be his face though?  
AI: more like his abdomen  
GG: maybe! but the seat being his face would be super convenient  
AI: id assume the face would be from the handle bar down  
GG: just let him eat your ass!!!! sheesh  
AI: well maybe i dont want your gay Vespa Leopold to eat my ass  
GG: whatever!!!! my vespa swings both ways c:  
AI: just pick me up bitch

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering adInfinitum [AI] at 5:11 (pm) --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres a short thing so you guys know im not dead


End file.
